1. Jack in the Box – Chicken Fajita Pita | 370 calories
This bad boy is surprisingly good, make sure to pour your salsa in there as it gives the whole grain pita some juiciness. The chicken has a good flavor and the melted cheese is a perfect texture with the crunchy tomatoes and lettuce.
Disclaimer: I’ve been going to Jack for all my life, I’ve never been able to get through without an order of curly fries and ranch to dip them in, but you’re better than me.
Random Fat Ass Jack in the Box Tip : Since breakfast is served all day, you can put an egg on just about anything. EVERYTHING is better with an egg on it.
2. Jack in the Box – Southwest Chicken Salad with Grilled Chicken Strips | 350 calories + 95 calories (1/2 Southwest Dressing)
If you’re OK looking like a complete asshole by being the one ordering a salad at 3am in the morning, then this is the salad for you. Corn, black beans, cheese, sweet onions and the southwest dressing make for a tasty combination. Just remember to use half the dressing packet and don’t eat the damn croutons and cracker sticks no matter how good they look.
Random Fat Ass Jack in the Box Tip : You can request any burger’s buns to be replaced with grilled sourdough bread. Whhaaaaat. Ultimate Cheeseburger with sourdough bread instead please, oh and can you put an egg on it? Done son.
3. Carl’s Jr – Charbroiled Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich with no cheese and light sauce | Sub 490 Calories
Order this one correctly with no cheese and light sauce and you’re in for a treat. There’s a lot of bread on this mofo so please just tear off the excess and give it to the bum standing outside.
4. Subway – 6inch | Sub 500 calories
Be smart when you’re at Subway, you know what you shouldn’t and should be ordering as they make it so damn obvious by putting the calories next to everything on every one of their signs inside. To go the extra mile like I do, before eating the sandwich, completely strip out the inner bread from the roll, this is easier to do when not toasted. You should be able to scrape out most of the bread and still have somewhat of the skin of the bread to still qualify for a sandwich versus a salad. Don’t forget to add your own sriracha.
5. Taco Bell – 7-Layer Burrito | 430 calories
There’s no meat in here but who cares, it’s pretty damn good and also cures hangovers.
6. Taco Bell – 2 Taco Supremes | 400 calories
Pour on the fire sauce, the contrast between the sour cream and fire make these delicious. Fair warning, I’ve gone to Taco Bell late night and ended up driving away with a 10 Taco box filled with these.
7. Del Taco – 2 Grilled Chicken Soft Tacos | 440 calories
2 is good enough in terms of calories for a meal, but if you’re planning on kicking it with a 40 of your favorite malt, plan ahead and pick up 20 of these. King cobra washes these down for me.
8. El Pollo Loco – Skinless Chicken Breast Meal with no tortilla strips and cheese | 310 Calories
Ask for the light creamy cilantro dressing. Corn was substituted for a side above, but stick with the steamed broccoli and you’ll be full. Make sure to load up on the salsas at their salsa bar, a little for this meal, but a lot for later to use during the week at home.
9. El Pollo Loco – Sub 500 Calorie menu | Sub 500 calories
Cut the calories down by asking for no beans and no cheese, use the salsas from the salsa bars to add more flavors. They may not look big, but they will fill you up.
10. McDonalds – Filet-O-Fish | 390 calories
Pour a ton of sriracha on this sandwich and enjoy. Don’t be stingy with it. There’s now a lot of menu options at McD’s that fall in the sub 400 calorie range, I’m not going to list them all because I don’t think they’re as flavor worthy as the rest of this list.
11. In-N-Out – Cheeseburger Animal Extra Everything Light Sauce| Sub 480 calories
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up still drunk from the night before only to find out In-N-Out is not open yet. This is a go to meal and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. In a drunken state, I’ll throw in the fries well done animal style. Another perfect marriage for sriracha.
12. Chipotle – Burrito Bowl – Chicken, Fajita Vegetables, Tomato Salsa, Roasted Chili-Corn Salsa | 300 calories
Drown the bowl with green and red tobacco and pure heaven. It’s getting hard to get into the restaurant at peak times due to the lines.
13. KFC – Grilled Chicken Breast Meal | 405 calories
Pull the skin off your chicken breast and order cole slaw and sweet corn as your sides; don’t be a fat ass and eat the biscuit. I take a few bites and then throw it out. The real deal holyfield is making a sandwich with your biscuit with scoops of cole slaw and chicken. Damn…
14. Papa Johns – Thin Crust Pizza No Cheese Extra Sauce
Don’t knock it till you try it. This is absolutely delicious and lets you fill up on Papa Johns without wanting to wish you were anorexic. Try it with different combinations and you’ll find one where you don’t even notice the cheese is missing.
15. Panda Express – 3 item Combo – ½ Fried Rice ½ Chow Mein, Orange Chicken, Broccoli Beef | 150 calories
Ok so this shouldn’t be on this list, but I had to put it on because as I was thinking of good ass fast food, this popped into my head. Another happy marriage with Sriracha. Although Panda has had to up it’s standards as they grew in popularity, the general rule of thumb in southern California is a restaurant rating of A = American Chinese, B = Better Chinese, C = Chinese Chinese